You are so beautiful...to me...

    At the beginning, I had principles and I saw the person I expected to become. As I was young, it was easy to do. However I was very sad not to be in a relationship. But then, I met her.
It took several weeks or months maybe, but I slowly became a jealous lover. Indeed, she was a pretty girl and she draw insane looks, so I tried to avoid her to do usual things which could be painful for me, like wearing sexy clothes. Unfortunately the right thing to do would have been to correct my behaviour and to learn to control myself instead of reducing her freedom. Because those things she did were rarely unethical, and the few times they were, she could understand when I explained her why I thought it was unethical.
    The problem here for me was to learn how to love without being jealous. I guess this is still an unsolved problem but maybe I know the cause now. When I don't love I don't care, but I do know I care about someone when I start to feel jealous : I think that's because I don't trust myself enough, I think others are better than me. I should look in this direction in the future.

    This jealousy provoked serious crisis with the one I loved. Even if that's not the reason why we're not together now, I'm sorry for all the arguments we had about this : if I had really trusted the love she had for me they would never have occured. Moreover, when someone always does things which hurt the other without concerns maybe the relationship is just not possible and the solution is not to try to control the partner. It 's useless to force someone to accept some principles  when this person doesn't understand them. Principles are supposed to be accepted not imposed. That's what I tried to do, but I finally imposed them to her.
Then I litteraly became a monster, always imagining the worst scenarios. I cried a lot and became a bum with no dignity : even when I was not sure she was telling me the truth, I decided to accept or ignore the facts not to suffer more.
At last, I decided to hate her to accept that she forgot in two weeks what we had built in several years.

Jealousy, no dignity, rage : that is not the person I wanted to be.
This is being a loser. And writing all this is painful, because I know I didn't change, I don't know if I can change, and I actually feel like a monster.

En relation avec un souvenir

Je chéris un souvenir qui me permet de résister,
A l'attraction du pire, et à la passivité
Je lui donne sa réalité, j'entretiens l'influence qu'il a sur moi
Par lui mon coeur est comblé, nostalgique parfois

Et s'il n'est qu'illusion, et s'il ne paraît pas vrai
Ce souvenir est le diapason qui continue de me faire vibrer
Il m'accompagne, me soutiens, me rend heureux
Il est là partout où la réalité ne le peut.

J'imagine que cela paraîtra stupide
Au yeux de gens dont la vie suit un cours d'eau limpide
Pourquoi se marier à un souvenir si factice
Lorsqu'on sait justement qu'il n'est qu'artifice

A cela je répondrai que la vie n'a jamais été
Qu'illusion, apparence, souvenir, irréalité.
Et que si les faits ont tendance à nous décevoir
Le souvenir d'elle et moi ne baclera jamais son devoir :

Me maintenir à flot dans cette immense plaisanterie,
Chose indéterminée qu'on décida de nommer la vie.
Je chéris un souvenir qui me permet de résister,
Cependant jamais je n'oublierai la cruelle réalité...